ITSHOLWCS Part 8: My Purpose?

In light of recent developments (ie: my previous blog) many questions have come up in my finite mind. Africa is a no go - now what? I have spent so much of my energy focusing on getting to Africa that I haven't really thought about that not happening.

But our oh so gracious God has been working behind the scenes. You see, He has a plan. I have been getting glimpses here and there of some of that plan - but it is defintely still a mystery to me. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about where I have come from. In a fabulous Gavin DeGraw song there is a line that says, "part of knowing where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from." A friend of mine recently challeged me to write out my testimony. I am in the middle of doing that and it is pretty amazing to look back at my life as a whole and see the themes and lessons. When you look at the big picture - things are a little clearer and it isn't so hard to see why I have ended up where I am at.

What I know:

I desire to serve God with all of me.

I will go and do whatever God asks - my parameters have been taken off.

God has given me a very large capacity to love people.

I have gifts in administration and hospitality.

I desire to impact the community around me.

God wants to grow my compassion for the people in the US.

That said, whatever I do will involve touching the world as well.

I had a dream/vision when I lived in Ghana of an innercity ministry. I used to think that is what I would end up doing - all of that has resurfaced.

My desire to get back to Denver is growing more and more everyday.

Even though things are going absolutely fabulous at my job and I just got promoted, I am feeling restless. A transition is imminent.

What I don't know:

How all of what I do know fits into the plan. :)

The last thing that I have hanging on my wall is a cross. There is a verse on it:

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever
- do not abandon the works of your hands.
Psalm 138:8

This is what I am counting on. As I get antsy to see how this is all going to unfold, I choose to trust in Him who WILL fulfill His purpose for my life. And it is HIS purpose - not mine. I petition Him to not abandon the works of His hands!

(sorry about the spacing - for some reason no matter what I do it won't put spaces in - UGH!)

ITSHOLWCS Part 7: All Roads Lead to Him

It seems fitting that I am writing this particular blog tonight. It is hot and humid here. I have the fan going in my room - but it isn't really doing the trick of getting rid of the sticky, hot air. Reminds me of many a night in my beloved Africa.

Those last three words "my beloved Africa" bring tears to my eyes. I love Africa. I lived there for three years - three of the hardest and best years of my life. A piece of my heart will always be there. Always.

Ever since I got back from this last stint I have been longing to get back to Africa. I took a short term trip last summer and that sealed the deal. Africa...that has been the only option. That was where God was calling me to go. Africa...it has been who I am. I even remember having coffee with a friend last year and him asking me what if you meet the man of your dreams and he doesn't want to live in Africa. I said, "then he isn't the man of my dreams". Oh - some day I am going to learn to stop making really big statements like that! Have I not seen how God works - and that He is never predictable?

As I said a few blogs back, God has me on a faith journey like none other I have ever been on. Part of this journey came into play a few weeks ago. I was praying for my future and when I pray for that Africa is always involved. God began speaking to me - not in an audible voice - but speaking nonetheless. He said, "Liz, you are not going to live in Africa." Well - you can guess my reaction to that! Let's just say I wasn't happy and we had a few words about it. The gist of the conversation was that He never told me I would live there again - just that I would do ministry there. He asked me to do a very hard thing - surrender Africa to Him. He said that I don't have to give it up - it will always be a part of my life. But I need to surrender it. I didn't talk to Him for a few days.

I finally came back around and was praying about it. There is a sign that was hanging on my wall right above my closet. It says - All Roads Lead to Africa. In my prayer, as I was fighting with all I had against God's request of me - I said, "But God - all roads lead to Africa." Very, very clearly He said, "All roads lead to me". Silence. I realized in that moment that Africa had become my god. More than anything I wanted to serve God - as long as it was in Africa. Lord - send me anywhere - as long as it is Africa. I will give up everything for You - except Africa. I had taken my eyes off of Jesus and focused them on the goal of Africa. Now - having the goal of being a missionary forever in Africa isn't a bad thing. I truly believe that my motives have been pure in desiring to serve there. But somewhere along the way I lost the ability or maybe the desire to hear what God wanted instead of what I was planning. He continued on in our conversation and said, "I could send you to Africa and you would do well there. But it is not my best for you."

So I have surrendered Africa. Sigh. I haven't quite got my head or my heart wrapped around it yet. But it will come. It isn't God's best for me - so it isn't where I want to be. I am thankful that it will be a part of my life but need to grieve the loss of it being my life. God is right, of course, that all roads lead to Him. He is who I need to set my eyes on. I have been reminded of how quickly life can change and how if I am not tied to the Vine and if I am not asking God everyday if I am where I need to be - I can get so far off track. I am also reminded of what a loving God we have, that waits until I am strong enough to hear it to bring my detour back to the path that leads me to Him.

The sign no long hangs above my closet. I took it down as a tangible act of surrender. It's absence reminds me to pray and to seek out what God has for me next. He has shed a little light on that...but that is for another time.

ITSHOLWCS Part 6: Trust

I have a picture up in my room (this one is more leaning against the wall than hanging on it. But that is just a mere detail - right!?) of a hand holding the ropes of a swing between two fingers. There is a girl swinging on the swing in what seems like mid-air. The words on the picture say "Will you trust me?" and Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

Once again, I have my beloved dictionary next to me and have looked up a few words.

Trust: assured reliance on the character, strength, or truth of someone or something; a basis of reliance, faith or hope; confident hope.
All: the whole of
Heart: one's innermost being; center; the essential part
Lean: to rely on for support
Understanding: to grasp the meaning of; comprehend
Acknowledge: to recognize the rights or authority of; to admit as true
Make: to cause to be or become; appoint
Path: route or course
Straight: Not wandering from the main point or proper course.

With these definitions - I have rewritten the verses:

"Have a confident hope and an assured reliance on the charater, strength and truth of the Lord with the whole of your innermost being. Do not rely on your own grasp of the meaning of things for support, but in all things recognize God's authority over your ways and He will appoint your course, keeping you from wandering from the main point."

In the past few months God has set me on a faith journey unlike one I have ever been on. And the two words that He keeps coming back to me with are "trust me!" I admit, I am struggling with that. The promises that He has given me seem impossible. But I realize in the midst of it that I am relying on my own grasp of the meaning of the situation. And my finite mind cannot grasp all that God is and is capable of doing. Slowly, I am learning to look at God's character, His power, and His truth. I am not completely there yet - but have a great desire to have a confident hope in all that He IS. Which has a direct affect on all that He DOES. It is when I recognize His power and surrender to that authority - acknowledging that I have no control over my life and it is He who appoints my course - then I am freed up - and He steps in and keeps me from wandering away from that course. All of this seems like quite the daunting task to me - but that is why I need to release it all to Him - and He takes care of it.

I have come a long way in the last few months. You would think that trusting in the all-powerful God would not be a tough thing. But it seems that it is much easier to trust in myself b/c then I seem to have control. Things are not always what they seem. :) Everyday I have a choice to trust in the unseen, or to trust in what I see. Today I choose to trust and to hope in what is unseen. Lord, help me to make the same choice tomorrow.

ITSHOLWCS Part 5: Live Simply

I keep talking about the past 9 months...interesting that it has been that amount of time. There is definitely a feeling that I have been in a period of growth and development...and am getting ready to be birthed into something else. Yes...interesting.

A few years ago I went to visit my friends in Arkansas! When we lived in Africa together, my friend and I talked about this big craft fair that they have in the fall and said that when we got back to the States that we would go. So we did! :) It was very fun. The prize find for me was a sign that says "Live Simply". It caught my eye, and if I remember correctly, I didn't buy it the first time I saw it. I went back and got it. Maybe it was the beginning of something God was trying to work out in me? The sign currently hangs above my door.

My journey of learning about living a life of simplicity began in Africa. If you ask me now what I love the most and miss the most about Africa, I will tell you two things. The people and the simplicity of life. Yet I have so easily jumped right back into my busy, cluttered life in the States both times I have returned. Over the past few years there have been moments that I have longed for simplicity in all areas of my life - yet haven't been able to figure out how to get there. I am learning that it is just that, a journey. It is a journey that takes time and a lot of effort. I think I am at the point in the journey where I need to start making more effort than I have been. God is convicting my heart - so I need to listen!

I am reading Freedom of Simplicity by Richard Foster. Great book! What I am coming to understand is that it isn't just about possessions. It is a mindset. When we choose to live our lives simply - it really does bring us freedom. If I am not all caught up in material possessions, I am free from worry and free to give of my things without holding on to them. I am beginning to understand that everything I have is from God - nothing is mine. That relates back to the previous blog about my time. My time is not my own either. If my mindset is simple - I am surrendered completely to God. And that frees me up to serve Him and other people generously. I am open to invite others into my space and schedule because it isn't cluttered with things.

This is all just ramble at this point in time - I still feel like I am in the very early stages of a much greater journey. I can't shake the desire for simplicity...so I am trying to make the space to really seek after it. It will come b/c I know that it is God's desire for me. So I will keep on keeping on.

ITSHOLWCS Part 4: Time

This is going to be my Saturday post - since I was up at the lake yesterday. I thought it would be better for me to engage with the people I was with than tell them I needed to use the computer to type a blog! :)

On the wall hanging next to my desk is a calendar. It is a Mary Engelbreit calendar. I get one every year. Think she is great. The other day I looked at my calendar and it was still on March. Well - June is next week - where did all of that time go? They say that "time flies when you are having fun!" I think that time flies no matter what you are doing. And it especially flies when you get older. It was just yesterday that I was in college - and my 10 year reunion is in October. What in the world????

I have been thinking about time a lot lately. The reality that my life seems to be flying by has got me thinking about how I spend my time. Do I use my time wisely...or am I wasting it? Is all of my time spent on me...or am I giving my time to others? Do I live with a Kingdom perspective on time, realizing that Jesus is coming soon and there is a world around me that needs Him and lots of work left to be done? Or do I sit idle and just go about my day without a sense of urgency for the lost? Am I making a difference with my time? Am I spending my time on things that are going to last - like my relationship with God and my relationships with people around me? Or am I just sitting around watching TV?

These are the questions I am asking. And I will be honest - I am not all that comfortable with the answers. For the most part - I feel like I am not spending my time the way that I should. Take my job - where I spend most of my time. I truly believe that it has been the perfect job for me while I have been here - it is helping me pay off my debt. And that is the goal. But I am getting antsy to be in a place of work where what I am doing is impacting the kingdom. So I am working toward that. But I am still here - so what am I doing with the time I still have at my place of work? Even though I am not in direct ministry - am I using my time there as a ministry? Am I setting an example of Christ to the people I am around? Do I make the most of every opportunity to share Jesus with them? When I leave will the people there even know who I am and what I am all about? I am starting to realize that my focus on time isn't always about the future - it is about right now! And I need to have a burden for the lost people I work with - b/c my time there is short.

Over this past 9 months I also believe that I have been in a season of working on me. And as that season will continue for the rest of my life - balance needs to make its way back into the picture. It has become too much about me. I have been challenged lately, in many area of my life, about surrender. A big area for me is surrendering my time. In a very unhealthy way, I have come to live life like I have a right to my time. And granted, there needs to be a balance between taking care of yourself and giving to others. But I have come to realize that by surrendering my time to God, I become free to love both myself and others better. God knows best what I should be doing with my time. And by holding so tightly, as I have been doing, onto MY time and MY schedule - I have missed out on many opportunities for service and relationship. I regret that.

I don't have all the answers to my own questions yet. But I do know that my time on this planet is short, so I want to make the most of the time I have. I want that time to count for God and His glory and not for me. I also know that some days I will fail at that miserably. But I want to keep wrestling with it and not let it fall to the wayside b/c it is important. So here's to finding balance and giving God glory in the midst of it!!

ITSHOLWCS Part 3: Solitude

See the picture that I have as my profile picture up in the corner? That picture is called "Solitude". I have a slightly larger version of it hanging up on my wall in the corner above the chair in my room. I saw it hanging in the apartment of a friend of mine last fall - and it struck me. So I went out, bought a copy of the print, framed it and 6 months later hung it on my wall! :) Yes - I am notorious for not hanging things on my wall - so what! :) There are psychological reasons for that due to what seems like constant moving and change in my life over the past 10 years - but hey - it finally got up on the wall! We are making progress.

Probably for the past year God has been after me about this whole solitude thing. I think it was last spring...or maybe beginning of the summer...I was working three jobs and running around like a crazy person just trying to keep my head above water. I was with people ALL of the time! For me - that is usually okay because I love people. I get my energy from people. But I was struggling. The busyness of life was for sure taking its toll on me.

I made an appointment to meet with my counselor. SIDE NOTE: If you have never gone to counseling - holy cow - GO! I love it! If I had lots of money to go all the time I would! Okay - maybe not all of the time - but some. What a gift it is to have someone look at your life from an outside perspective and shed light on things that you can't neccessarily see. Anyway...I was talking to him and he looked at me and said, "Liz - you need to schedule time in to just be alone." And I thought - yeah - you try living in my life and see how that works! And he said something very profound next, "What are you afraid of?" I hadn't realized until that moment why I was never alone. The main reason why I was never alone wasn't because of the schedule I kept - it was because I was afraid of what I would find when I was alone. In the silence and solitude I would have nothing but me to deal with - and that wasn't a very fun option at that point in time. So I stayed busy and around people.

I can't say that I made changes all that quickly. But over the past 9 months God has slowly brought me around to really enjoy solitude. I have had to learn to sit in the silence and take some hard looks at me and who I have become. At times there have been many tears and lots of anger. Other times it has been restful. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time. Going forward I don't want to waste anymore. I have learned that when I make room for solitude and silence - that is when I hear God - and I am changed. I have learned that I NEED solitude. It is a very good thing.

Another observation that I have made about solitude is that often God calls people into a time of it in preparation for big things ahead or for a next step in life. That is what I feel like this move to MN has been for me. Not that I am alone here - I am surrounded by wonderful people. But with the exception of two - none of my "heart friends" are here. I have been forced to be alone in respects of walking everyday life away from the people who I lean on and who understand me. That has been very difficult - but really good in that it has forced me to turn to God. He has gotten my attention unlike any other time in my life over the past 9 months. He has taken advantage of me being here - or maybe was it that He placed me here for just that purpose?! I think the later.

I have been in a season of preparation for the next step in life. I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't be ready for it if I hadn't incorporated solitude and silence into my life. As I wait for God's promises to me that I have heard in those times - I reflect on how far I have come and I am grateful! This season is almost up - and while I am excited for the next chapter - I want to continue to make the most of the one I am in. Got to keep my eyes on Him for that!

ITSHOLWCS Part 2: Community

Seven years ago, I was at a conference in Kenya. We got time to go out and do a little shopping in the market - which is one of my favorite things to do. In my time in Africa I got pretty good at bartering with people - and fighting them off when they were all yelling "Hey lady...come look in my shop. For you - good price!" I almost hit a guy once when he grabbed my arm. :) Anyway...I had found a shop that was selling all of these beautiful batiks and I found the one that I wanted. It is a batik of African tribes people walking - carrying water on their heads, babies on their backs - and all sorts of other things. It is done in vibrant colors - really beautiful. I bartered with the guy for a long time - never really did get him down all that much...but I didn't care. I wanted that one. So I paid too much money for it and left - the man with a smile on his face.

That batik now hangs framed over my bed. It is probably one of my most favorite things that I own. It reminds me of Africa. It reminds me of walking down the street and being absolutely amazed at the sheer volume of stuff that people can carry - on their heads! It reminds me of watching some of the young girls in the neighborhood, maybe 7 or 8 years old, carrying their baby brothers and sisters on their backs while they go to fetch water at the neighborhood well. It reminds me of walking EVERYWHERE and all of the friends that I met along the way. Good memories that even now provoke a lot of reflection.

The picture itself is of a group of people walking together. That to me is one of my favorite things about this picture and one of my favorite things about my time in Africa. More so in Bissau than in Ghana. We lived life together. Our doors were open - people in and out all of the time. Some people didn't even have doors. You never had to worry about the kids - b/c everyone in the neighborhood looked out for everyone else's children - not just their own. If I needed a cup of sugar - just yelled over to my neighbor and had it in seconds. When the rains came and the flooding threatened to level our neighbor's house - everyone is out in the middle of the night in the rain moving sand bags to divert the river. You sit on the porch of anyone's house and talk and sew and cook and laugh and cry and play with the kids and the animals. It is community.

When I was there I took that for granted. I didn't spend enough time in that community. When I did - it was very sweet and I look back on those times as my favorite memories. I miss it immensely now. And I have been thinking lately about the concept of community and what that looks like. What is and who are my community? Who am I walking life with? Am I investing in a community? Lots of questions running through my head without a whole lot of answers at this point.

I do know that I have a deep desire for community wherever I am. I have been created to be in relationship - so that desire is natural I think. But so much of the reality of community is the effort I put into it. And when I refuse to give of myself - that certainly isn't doing much to build that community that I so desire.

ITSHOLWCS Part 1: What's in a name?

The latest challenge that has been given to me is to write one blog a day for the next week. Which could be a little difficult since I am going up to "The Lake" (if you are from MN - you know what I mean! :)) this weekend. But you know - I am always up for a challenge! :)

I decided that the theme for my blogs will be "If the stuff hanging on Liz's walls could speak". (ITSHOLWCS) Isn't that catchy?! :)

Right above my light switch by my door there is a little wooden plaque that says my name on it: Elizabeth. Underneath it is the meaning: Consecrated to God. And underneath that is a verse: 1 Thessalonians 5:23 which says, "May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

I have had this plaque for a long time. I remember having the "what does your name mean?" conversation with people - and I would always proudly state "consecrated to God!" Well - what does that mean? So being the scholar that I am - I looked it up in the dictionary. :) There are two definitions of "consecrate" that apply. 1) to make or declare sacred and 2) to devote solemnly to a purpose. I got to thinking - does this really describe me? Does the name that I have been given shape my life? Am I really consecrated to God? These are my thoughts...

By my own effort - no. But the verse following the one on my plaque says "The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." (1 Thes. 5:24)

Jesus, on the cross, declared me sacred. He stepped into the middle of all of my crap, got involved, paid for all of my sin, redeemed me - which has placed value on something that had none. I have been declared sacred by Jesus - He did it.

Left to myself, I would never devote anything to one purpose - and not solemnly. But again, when I choose to stay tied to the Vine, listen to the Truth and obey what He commands...then I am working toward that one purpose. But only with Jesus taking every step of the journey with me. It is in acknowledging that I can't do any of this on my own that I find my devotion.

I am naturally inclined to want to do things on my own - or at least have control over them. I would be your typical first born child! :) But over the last year God has taken me on a whole new journey of learning that if I ever really want to be like Him - then I need to let Him do it. It has taken me a long time to acknowledge that I really can't change the yuk part of me without His help. I have tried to go it alone for so long, even thinking at times that I was letting God do His thing. It wasn't until this past year that I have learned, and am still learning everyday, that "letting go and letting God" is a choice and it is one that needs to be made on a daily - hourly - sometimes minute by minute basis. As He teaches me this act of surrender - He changes me.

1Thessalonians 5:23-24 has become my life passage - because yes - I believe that it is true. By God's grace HE is doing these things in me. And I find it rather splendid that my life has turned out to fit my name. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe our names mean more than we think!